*Co-written with Gracie Beaver-Kairis*
Taking pics for my insta is a lot of work although it looks super easy! In order to take this pic of me in a eco-friendly bikini in the woods, I had to clear away all natural wildlife. For example, this racoon was trying so hard to like get in the shot and it’s like, “Calm down! Fame hungry much!!!?” Like it’s my shoot. Also, he was ugly so I like threw stuff at it to go away. Good thing I was drinking a delicious @Coke so I could use it to hit him. Coke is…
**Co-written with Gracie Beaver-Kairis**
Don’t Cut Down My Tree
When Jamie, a single and available woman, chains herself to a tree to stop construction of a parking garage, she is ready to do anything to stand up for what she believes in. But things get complicated when she falls for the heavy equipment operator, Chad, who is ripping out the tree. Will Jamie make out with Chad on his stump grinder or stay rooted to her values?
Gregg, a hunky firefighter, has given up on love. Although his passion has always been re-planting maple saplings, he never found…
8am: Wake up. Lift some dumbbells. Got to keep the body in shape so I look good while holding a fish.
9:30am: Read some amazing comedy on Reddit about actual real life weird fortunes in fortune cookies. One says “You will have a nice life.” How vague is that! Hilarious! Another one says “Snakes will be in your future!” Hopefully not mine, bra, cause pity for them!
10:00am: Work my super boring marketing job. Little do they know I’m hilarious on dating apps and once did stand-up drunk in NYC, aka I could be the next Amy Schumer, but like…
Looking like I’m reading a book has added so much value to my life!
During the pandemic, everyone has been picking up fun hobbies: baking, yoga, hiking, learning Portuguese, rescuing a dog. For so long I too tried to pick up a hobby. I bought a “French for Dummies’’ book and practiced saying “oui, je suis hot” in my mirror. I even tried to skateboard in my living room-but neither of those really felt right.
Then one time on the subway, I brought a book and someone nodded at me as I looked at the book. I wasn’t exactly reading-more…
Hey gurl, want to get brunch? We haven’t talked in so long. I haven’t seen you since we played with Barbies and we have so much to catch up on!
Gurl, hey! Brunch was such fun! I’ll never forget that you bantered with the waiter about how hot the soup was, and that when I ate avocado toast and you asked how a whole avocado could make two girls so happy! And yeah, so I know I mentioned I was part of this new program and I think your life could really benefit. Will send you info tonight!
So you’ve made the choice to do an outdoor date in 19 degree weather because of Covid precautions. In order to safely meet Kevin from Tinder at the outdoor sushi place, follow these steps to make sure you are not one of the many who succumb to hypothermia and die in the name of love!
Physically Prepare Yourself: This is not a basic bitch date at Applebees where he can watch you suck a Sprite erotically and you talk about your childhood, this is a HEAVY DUTY winter date! You must be willing to suffer and…
**Co-Written with Gracie Beaver-Kairis**
As an aspiring journalist and fashion enthusiast, I am perplexed as to why my article, “Babies of Central Park Wear Winter Hats: What’s Hot and What’s a Fashion Abomination” has been rejected from every outlet I have sent it to.
Some of these outlets like Vanity Fair seem confused about why I would care about baby fashion in the first place. Well, here’s the thing: although I am not a mother and think babies are super annoying, if they’re going to take up public space and cry at weird intervals, they might as well be dressed cutely. …
I have been writing humor for about 2/3ish years now and have had my work published in lots of baller sites across the web like McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist, Flexx and others. I am writing this because wanted to share some trashy things I learned along the way and I also just a bit too into giving advice.
If you’re curious about humor writing, I say go for it!! For me humor writing has been a wonderful outlet to make friends, work on my comedic chops and put myself out there as a writer. Also it’s a field that says “yes…
**Co-written with Gracie Beaver-Kairis**
Why are there so many dead people in these supposedly merry and bright movies? — Vulture
Fell through the ice while skating on pond that wasn’t 100% frozen over
Choked on candy cane while distracted writing original Christmas song for orphans
Freak Christmas house lighting accident (electrocution)
Faulty Christmas tree ornaments
Poisoned Christmas cocoa
Strangled by holiday robber (tinsel?)
Painting Christmas tree mural in poorly-ventilated area and died from noxious fumes
Fatal allergic reaction to elf costume
Tried to feed a candy cane to a stray possum on Christmas and it attacked them
Stabbed through heart…
Catherine Weingarten is a humor writer, playwright and wedding cake enthusiast.